Dating Essentials for Men by Dr. Robert Glover
In his previous book, No More Mr. Nice Guy, Dr. Robert Glover did an outstanding job identifying Nice Guy behavior in men and how destructive it is. Dating Essentials for Men is a natural progression for men to go from being bad daters (typical of Nice Guys) to confident good daters. While written for men, there is a lot of good material in this book that can help women.
In his counseling practice, Dr. Glover has found his clients consist of two categories
- “Men who have not dated well, had few girlfriends, and have little to no sex.”
- “Men who have recently gotten out of a long-term relationship and are back out in the dating world for the first time in several years.”
His material will decidedly help men (and women) identify their dating goals and face their dating fears, enabling them to learn valuable dating skills and challenging them to act and practice these new skills.
The Essentials are composed of two parts.
Part 1 is about mastering your mind. Robert points out the many lies our minds tell us about ourselves as men (and women). When it comes to dating and relationships, many recovering Nice Guys have an array of self-limiting beliefs—consisting mainly of an underlying fear of rejection and a lack of an abundance mentality. Robert explains that men will naturally attract women by concentrating on traditional role models and playing toward that. The theory of attraction is also discussed and what men can do to make it naturally work for them.
Part 2 has to do with putting things into practice: a plan or set of steps any man can take. The steps are broken down into small bite-size portions, thereby enabling easy integration into your day-to-day life. Robert also outlines common mistakes men make in dating and how to eliminate them, covering the finer details that women notice in style, grooming, and etiquette; lessons men can learn from the natural players, like learning how to banter and flirt; and how to define what it is you are looking for in a “Really Great Woman.” There is an entire chapter on being a “Good Ender”: the crucial skill of properly breaking up. Secret: it’s easier than you think for a variety of reasons.
One of the book’s best mental workouts is the “Committing to Going Out with 12 Women in 12 Weeks” exercise. Any man capable of doing this. It parallels with the 50 Dater mindset in regards to testing the waters. You have to be okay with dating more than one woman at a time because there will be overlap. Differentiation versus Fusion is also well-covered. 50 Daters need to understand this concept, which is one of the most underrated topics in relationships. Finding good information on this topic is a challenge outside of written books. The section on “The Paradigm Effect” and how it relates to dating has great merit. This is how you seek information to support your self-limiting beliefs and ignore or minimize information that contradicts those beliefs—shifting the Paradigm where you learn how to choose a woman who chooses you.
50 Dates at 50 Take:
Dating Essentials’ reoccurring theme goes along nicely with the 50 Dater mindset: self-improvement and personal growth through minor adjustments. Just by making a few fine adjustments, you can see significant positive changes in your dating life. Like many of the books reviewed here, there’s not enough room to cover all the book’s detailed information. It’s well-written and very comprehensive. My outline notes for this review cover 56 pages, so this review only scratches the surface. Regardless if you’re a guy who is an experienced dater or just getting back into the dating game, you’ll find dozens of practical things you can immediately start to use.
Why You Need to Read It:
I’m going to highlight three beneficial insights I found in this read. The exciting thing here is that they pretty much apply to both men and women.
Bad Dater Cycle – The book slowly covers each step. By the time you get to the fully laid-out cycle, not only will you easily recognize things you are or were doing in many of the steps, you’ll know what to do to break the cycle at multiple points. Taken directly from the book:
Here is how the average bad dater approaches dating:
- He has absolutely no plan or idea of what he is looking for. He just knows he is lonely, and he believes a girlfriend is the answer to what ails him.
- If he is lucky, he meets a woman who shows some interest in him.
- If she isn’t too unattractive (or too attractive for that matter), he works up the nerve to ask her out.
- He does his best to make a good impression.
- If they seem to hit it off, he starts chatting with her on the phone and emailing on a daily basis.
- He starts to see her as often as he can and gives up most of the things that are important to him in order to be with her.
- If she is willing, they typically start having sex after just a few dates.
- He ignores all red flags and warning signs.
- Even if the relationship starts going south, he does everything he can to keep it together because he doesn’t want to be lonely again and start over dating.
Sound familiar? If you have been down this road before, you know what this approach leads to—getting stuck with a woman who disappoints you and/or drives you crazy.
The Relationship Pyramid – The key to breaking the Bad Dater Cycle starts at step number one. Here is where the Relationship Pyramid comes in. Robert calls it a roadmap or guide to not only find what you’re looking for but also to limit your time with the wrong woman. He has you create a 5/5 list, 5 “Must Have” traits and 5 “Won’t Tolerate” traits. It’s simple and takes five minutes. Once you see these traits on paper, it becomes relatively easy to align and narrow your search. (This easily applies to women too.)
The Pyramid has four categories. I’ve abbreviated the descriptions. You’ll need to read the book to pick up on the details and understand the nuances. Starting at the top of the Pyramid:
- RGW (Really Great Woman) – There is nothing you’d want to change about her from your 5/5 list. She is the only woman you’ll enter into a long-term relationship with. Dating any woman that is not an RGW is dating down or settling. (50 Daters don’t settle.) Any number of women will fit the RGW category for you. Being in this category does not mean she is perfect. It’s a limited category. You need to stay true to your 5/5 list and only date women who fit your list. Finding an RGW takes time, and you won’t recognize her after just a few weeks of searching. Robert believes it can easily take three years to get to know a person. Never go below the RGW level.
- GW (Good Woman) – There are lots of good women out there. You’ll end up developing short-term relationships with GWs. Short-term means that as you get to know them, they have the potential to be an admirable fit, but unfortunately, she has an item or two on your 5/5 list that you’d want to change. Never enter into a long-term relationship with a GW. Understand that you can’t change someone or mold them into what you want. You’ll eventually end up being somewhat dissatisfied with her and wonder what it would be like if you found a woman who met all the qualities on your 5/5 list.
- WW (Wrong Women) – These are the majority of women you’ll meet. They are not bad, just not compatible with you for a variety of reasons. (Just as you are not compatible with most women for those same reasons.) Some examples include differences in age, language, distance, relationship, or economic status. It has nothing to do with character. Most women you meet won’t be a good match for you. You’ll know because you’ll have very little in common. It generally takes anywhere between 30 seconds to a couple of hours max before you’ll know. Robert is very explicit in that any woman at work is in the WW category. (Bloggers Note: Hence the 3-1-1 Rule here at 50 Dates. 3-1-1 will help you to sort out the WWs quickly. Further, we agree that dating a coworker is a terrible idea and you should never do it.)
- RWW (Really Wrong Women) – This is misery territory, a train wreck waiting to happen. Traits include deceit, drama, insecurity, jealousy, vindictive anger, victim mentality, and addictions, to name a few. Bad Daters and Nice Guys generally wind up with the RWWs for a variety of reasons. Unfortunately, RWWs are incredibly seductive; just about every man has experienced this at some point in his life. They also match up well with any dysfunctions Nice Guys have. Fortunately, RWWs can be easily identified and avoided.
Chapter 19 on Being a Good Ender. Robert calls being a good ender one of the most important skills in dating. (We completely agree with this at 50 Dates. There is very little information out there on how to best go about ending things.) With your 5/5 list in hand, you now know what you are specifically looking for. You understand that dating is a numbers game and that you’ll be meeting some good women, many wrong women, and a few really wrong women.
- To find an RGW, you have to go as slowly as possible to find out as quickly as possible what a woman’s nature is.
- You can quickly recover from being a bad picker if you learn to be a good ender.
- Since you will be meeting many women who won’t qualify as RGWs, you need to practice and get good at “catch and release.”
- Being a good ender is necessary to limit the time you invest with women who do not have RGW potential.
- The basics to effective breaking up are addressed relative to timelines on how long you’ve been dating.
- The Two Sentence Rule is highly recommended. (Whatever needs to be said can be said in two sentences or less.) What not to say is also covered, especially when it comes to avoiding clichés.
- How to Man Up to respectfully, humanely, and confidently end a relationship is well covered.
- As your confidence improves, there is a section on Pre-Breakup discussions you can have with a woman you are dating when you have the DTR (Define the Relationship) talk. This is about letting the woman know that you will not keep her guessing about how you feel about things.